You’re gonna need Galata laxatives.

Istanbul Turkey

How do I put this delicately? Because Let’s Go is always delicate. You’ve been traveling, sitting on planes, trains, buses, faces (living up the hostel life, you), and your internal plumbing is fed up with living with an unstable little freak. Your innards have been cold shouldering you, sleeping out on the sofa and leaving you alone in your hostel bed. What do I mean? You haven’t taken a shit in days. Maybe weeks. If you’re in Turkey, try doing this:

  1. Drink your usual coffee. Turkish coffee is amazing, but it’s also thick and sugary and sort of sludgy at the bottom, and not exactly the same as your regular old cuppa draino. Get it black, flush it down with plenty of water, and wait.
  2. Break your fast wisely. Yogurt, an essential part of a healthy Turkish breakfast, is fermented, which means living things, which means a kickstart to your digestive system. Eating white bread, another essential part of a healthy Turkish breakfast, is like blowing your nose into a bunch of tissues and stuffing them under your armpits, then expecting to feel fresh and willowy—but for your stomach. Flush it down with plenty of water, and wait.
  3. Eat a kilogram of cherries. You see fresh fruit vendors everywhere, and fruit costs next to nothing in the Mediterranean. Buy your own weight in cherries (natural laxatives), flush it down with plenty of water, and wait.
  4. Yes, we know you’re in Turkey, a land where you can eat lamb and döners and kebabs and meatballs whenever the fuck you want, dinosaur! If not being constipated means more to you than being disgustingly carnivorous, eat your beans. Turkish beans are good, and beans go down and through and out easy. They can be found at any respectable lokantası. Flush it down with plenty of water, and wait.
  5. If all else fails: go to a* hamam* (public bathhouse), and ask for a “complete.” Included will be a beatdown of a massage, sort of like the one a naked Viggo Mortenson gets in Eastern Promises. Never mind. Just picture a very large, muscular Turkish lady or gentleman, depending on your sex, and a lot of pulling and pounding on your body. (Warning: If this last tip works, you’ll need to sprint to the washroom to avoid expelling a bit more than dead skin cells from your body. Careful not to slip on the wet hamam floor.) Flush it down with plenty of water, and wait.

Best of luck to you, my stuck sightseer.

For the Constipated in Constantinople was last modified: August 28th, 2015 by Angie Jo