My string of hostel friends has been, to put it one way, unfortunate. I seem to get stuck in rooms with lots of strange people, people that go to bed at eight, and people who seem friendly and then get too friendly and then it gets weird. So when I met someone in my room that seemed relatively normal and didn’t try to hit on me, I was pretty stoked, especially when she also seemed keen to go out to a pub to get dinner.

After about 30 minutes of walking, I was a bit less elated as the only places she seemed interested in were “cute” British bars, where “cute” means “full of old men getting super drunk and not serving any food.” Eventually we found a chain pub not far from the hostel where I got the most overpriced and terrible cheese sandwich I’ve ever had in my life, and her burger was actually inedible, but at least we had each for conversation right? Right.

Anyways, next night, having given up entirely on hostel mates, I went at it again solo and found out that Liverpool has a lively bar scene once you find the right street. But even though this was a happening place to be, there was a lot going on that didn’t make sense to me. Thus, I compiled a list of questions for the Liverpool nightlife in the hopes that someone can explain it all to me.

  1. Why are there so many karaoke bars? We get it, a lot of great musical acts came out of Liverpool, but the odds of them deciding to sing here are pretty low, while the odds of attracting a gang of drunken fools who can’t hold a tune seem pretty high.
  2. How are there so many guys? I literally saw a pack of about 20 emerge from a dark street, like a gang of hyenas or some other terrifying pack animal that has a distinctive howl. This isn’t normal.
  3. While we’re on the subject of guys and gals, how come the quality ratio is so off here? Girls: put on your high heels, pile on the makeup, and unload a can of hairspray to make sure your poof stays on point. Guys: uhhhhh… maybe brush your teeth?
  4. How is there possibly this many stag and hen nights happening at once? The streets are a sea of girls in sashes and fake veils and guys roaming the streets in matching tops that say “Stag Night!” I’m straight up calling BS on this one because it is not possible for a town to host this many bachelor/bachelorette parties at once. Right?
  5. DEAR LORD, it is 3 oclock in the afternoon how are you still going strong right now? Imagine my surprise when, after going to a museum and having a late brunch, I come across MORE stag and hen parties going hard on Matthews Street. Is this just leftovers from the night before? Do you sleep? Do you eat? Or are you driven only by your desire to consume more alcohol and do embarrassing stuff in the streets? And why are you poking that giant inflatable penis out of the bar window? Where did you even get that?

I fear these are mysteries that will never be solved, but will continue to plague me until my dying day.  

American Inclination, English Party Situation, and Things That Need Explanation was last modified: June 29th, 2016 by Tiffani Driscoll