30 09, 2016
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I Killed a Chicken with My Own Two Hands, Pt. 2

The girl led me to a hacked up wooden block lying in the dirt, handed me a dull machete, looked me in the eyes, and made a karate chop gesture towards her throat. I didn’t really need more instruction than that, but I was deeply afraid that I’d butcher the butchering process and only chop half the chicken’s head off on the first go, forcing both the chicken and my conscience to suffer [...]

29 09, 2016
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Belgians vs. Buffon

Disclaimer: if you are Belgian, stop now. I apologize to your people. Watching the Euro Cup in Italy is like watching the Super Bowl in the United States, but with less nachos and more attractive bearded men. Also, most people tune in for the soccer and not for Beyoncé and a touching commercial about large horses. Even for a group stage game between Italy and Belgium in the small town of Syracuse, shit [...]

22 09, 2016
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I ventured into Antwerp’s red-light district. It went okay.

(Author’s note: I felt too awkward to take a photo in the red-light district. Bonus points to someone who grabs a selfie with one of the professionals there. So enjoy the Antwerp sunset!) I went to a Catholic high school. An all-boys one at that. The closest thing to a sex-ed I received was looking at pictures of infected genitalia in health class and listening to my teacher rattle off statistics about just [...]

1 08, 2016
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I Killed a Chicken with My Own Two Hands, Pt. 1

When I was in kindergarten my class put on a weird musical production of the Yellow Submarine in which we all dressed up as sea creatures and permanently destroyed any positive associations our parents may have had with the Beatles. After the show, the rest of the day was dedicated to vaguely ocean-themed activities, one of which (for reasons still unknown to me) involved dissecting a boiled mussel with a [...]

29 07, 2016
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The 8 Types of Guys Who Will Hit on You in Hawaii

In Waikiki, there are more honeymooners than hotel rooms, so love is definitely in the air. And on the beach. And...behind that rustling bush? Gross. Point is, people here have romance on the mind. And assuming you don’t look like a rugged mountain troll, you’ll probably fall prey to the lame pick-up lines of some lonely dude. Here are the main ones to watch out for: The Local – Found [...]

26 07, 2016
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Cow Spleen Just Like Mama Used to Make

“Hmm, a walking tour of Palermo’s street food. That sounds harmless, easy, and delicious,” I thought to myself. Ahh, what a glorious thing, naïveté. I booked the tour. What greeted me in the morning was a balmy 104 degree day, complete with hot wind apparently blowing in from the Savannah desert, or perhaps Satan’s butthole, your guess is as good as mine. After carrying a two-liter water bottle across town, which may as [...]

25 07, 2016
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The Barcelona Dude — A Character Study

The Barcelona Dude is not from Barcelona. He is generally Australian or American or British, in Barcelona for vacation (or — ugh — “on holiday”) and looking to have a sweet time, bro, do you know any clubs? The Barcelona Dude read one too many “Top 9 Clubbing Cities in Europe (Number 4 Will Make You Poop Your Pants in Surprise!)” lists, and decided this was the city for him. The Barcelona Dude [...]

25 07, 2016
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The Wisdom of the Doner Kebab Goddess

Sevilla is an eating town. Within my first two days, I had eaten in three different ice cream shops (shout out to La Fiorentina for chocolate with chili and blueberry and La Helameda for somehow the best vanilla in existence) and consumed countless pringa sandwiches (what happens when you mash all the porks together, put it in bread and eat it with a hangover). I ate snails for my first time in Spain; [...]

19 07, 2016
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Far Too Much Exposition, Followed By a Pause

Day 29 on the job. En route to Genoa, the maritime town of questionable touristic interest, from clifftop stunner Cinque Terre. Couple that just boarded at Monterosso is very couple-y. Girl is currently dusting boy’s nose with curiously squelchy butterfly smooches. Oh look, they’re playing that sweet eyelash fluttering game I used to play with my mother—one childhood memory forever tainted by the rampant instinct to procreate. Good sir, your leggy lady is [...]

15 07, 2016
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The Steel Elephant

Hi there, welcome to my blog! This first post recounts the day I arrived in Spain last August, where I would be living for the next five months…   August 8, 2015: So, here we are. We have arrived in Spain. And yes I do mean we, not just I, because I have traveled here with my entire family. Although college students decide to study abroad for a variety of reasons, I [...]

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