The convict skills of wild animals are highly underestimated. Criticize me for my ridiculousness all you want, but those furry little faces aren't so innocent. I am convinced that a step by step guide to warding off wild animals is really what every traveler needs.
After a disappointing afternoon traversing the rock of Gibraltar without a single monkey spotting, I was ready to give up hope. Just as I turned to exit the park as the gates to the roads began to close for the day, I heard a loud "screeech!" Yards away, a dozen monkeys popped out of the bushes to pay me a surprise visit.
Let me back up for a minute. I am terrified of monkeys. I have seen far too many Fatal Attraction episodes that end with monkeys relieving their human owners of a limb or two. In my book, this is a valid reason to steer clear of the creatures. Either way, when I first spotted my new furry friends, I was so excited about the prospect of getting an epic monkey profile picture that I threw my purse and jacket on the ground and ran toward the animals. (Readers, please learn from my experience.)
My friend started snapping pictures of me as I approached the first monkey. Initially terrified, I kept my distance. When he didn't immediately maul me I gained courage and crept closer and closer. Suddenly, the creature leapt from the bush, grabbed my purse, and began rummaging through it. He threw the water bottle and bag of mixed nuts aside—obviously this ape had a better target. Instead, he went for my passport. Panic overcame me. I had two options: rip the purse from the monkey's grasp and run, or follow the ape to his den, make friends with the monkey family, and peacefully negotiate my beloved belongings back. Frightening images of being stranded in Gibraltar for weeks until I could get a new passport filled my mind. Neither plan sounded like a good option.
During my bout of terror, I remembered an email I recently received. It was one of those large-colored-font-forwarded messages with a hodgepodge of email addresses pasted at the top. I had wanted to delete it, but something about the "Tips for Solo Female Travelers" headline captivated me. If I had not read it, coincidence would have found me in the worst case scenario stranded thousands of miles from home. The one interesting thing I learned was if someone asks for your purse, you should throw it as far as you can and run in the opposite direction.
Reality suddenly became crystal clear. I was being mugged by a monkey!
Instinctively, I grabbed the nearest rock and tossed it to the side of the ape, hoping to provide an alluring alternative to my goods. Success! The monkey chased the rock, allowing me to snatch my bag. No prolonged stay in Gibraltar for me!
In the end, I did get a few epic Facebook pictures, and made it out of Gibraltar rabies-free. In any case, the monkey phobia won't be going away any time soon.