Not everyone is going to have the luxury of time in Madrid, so I am going to take my one-month stay, trim the fat, and give you (almost) 24 glorious hours. With your interests in mind, I am just going to pretend like Spanish Catholicism never existed, and your day will be all the more exciting for it.
10am: So you get here in the morning, coffee and a bite to eat are probably a priority. The good news is that certain staples like espresso and tortilla española (Spanish omelette) are the same everywhere you go. No need to fuss around to find the perfect pincho, just drop into any tapas bar or cerveceria and ask them for a tortilla española caliente, and an espresso. Just a quick run through—solo is plain espresso, con leche will drown your coffee in milk, and cortado is cut with a touch of steamed milk. I go for cortado.
11am: Most people start in El Centro because that is where all of the major tourist attractions are. Don't get stuck in Plaza Mayor and Puerta del Sol, walk through and move on. Your first stop should be Plaza de Oriente, a beautiful garden of manicured hedges and marble sculptures of Spanish royalty. If you're here with your boo, this is a great place to practice the art of PDA, or, alternatively, if you are alone and intimidated by the idea of human contact, this is a great place to watch two people in embrace and pretend you are sandwiched between them.
noon: The obvious attraction is Palacio Real. Unlike the snobs in England who don't let people into Buckingham Palace, the Spanish Royal Palace is totally open to the public. It's certainly worth a quick visit. This is a family that has gotten everything it ever wanted.
1pm: The Royal Palace should only take an hour after which I would head back to El Centro to check out El Sobrin de Botin, C. de los Cuchilleros, 17 (?913 66 42 17) which is considered to be the world's oldest restaurant. It may seem touristy, but it is an absolute sight and they are welcoming to tourists who want to take a quick peek. The oven in the back has been roasting suckling pigs for bearly 300 years. Hemingway famously frequented this restaraunt and mentioned it in The Sun Also Rises, but what does that really mean anway? I pooped on the same toilet as Oprah Winfrey and I'm not bragging about it.
2pm: Get used to the late Spanish lunches, you'll get you're siesta. I would head to La Latina's Almendro 13, C. Alemendro 13 (?91 365 42 52) a traditional Spanish taberna that will make your taste buds sing with joy and maybe give you a permanent heart murmur depending on your bodily constitution. The clear favorite dish here is the huevos rotos (french fries covered in fried eggs and chorizo).
3pm: You earned it, go home and sleep for two hours. Your day will be better for it.
5pm: Before you head to the big guns on Avenida del Arte, check out the Caixaforum, Paseo del Prado 36 (?913 30 73 00). Madrid doesn't have much contemporary architecture, but this art and performance space is totally stunning. The building features a refurbished 19th-century warehouse and vertical garden, and the exhibits are free and worth checking out. The more important thing is that you get to El Prado, C. Ruiz de Alarcon, 23 (?913 30 28 00), Spain's national treasure of 12th- through 19th-century European art. The museum is best visited during the free evening hours (Tu-Sa 6-8pm, Su 5-8pm). There are a number of stunning paintings here but Hieronymuos Bosch's The Garden of Earthly Delights is the most shocking—this dystopian painting of hell, heaven and earth, dates back to the 15th century and looks something like a story board for a sci-fi flick.
7pm: Maybe you are losing some steam after powering through the Prado, but it is worth peaking into the Museo Reina Sofía, C. Santa Isabel 52 (?917 74 10 00). The Museum houses a vast collection of 20th-century Surrealism, Dada, and Cubism, including Picasso's masterpiece, Guernica.
9pm: Okay so we've got culture down. Where to for the fun? Head up to Chueca to checkout Mercado de San Anton, C. Augusto Figueroa 24 (?915 21 09 66), Madrid's answer to Whole Foods. This sprawling marketplace has floor after floor of fruit and vegetable stands, charcuteries, bodegas, and sit down restaurants. This is a great place to get the full culinary landscape of the city from the bougiest oyster bar to traditional tapas joints that serve snacks like fried croquettas (fried stuffed dough that is as cheap as can be). You can see it all here. When you're full, head up to the rooftop terrace for a drink before the night takes off.
10:30pm: Dinnertime! So maybe you've had a few snacks. But you're about to have a few more, because the food here is too good to pass up. Head over to Malasaña's La Dominga, C. Espiritu Santo 15, to grab a traditional taberna dinner. (Make reservations in advance at ?915 23 38 09).
midnight: For a good place to wind down after dinner, head to Malasaña's signature Cafe Botilleria Manuela, C. de Vincente Ferrer (?91 531 70 37). Thedecor here is definitely 5-star hotel lobby, but the vibe is very laid-back, with a loyal crowd of young and artsy malasañans.
1am: Live music is everywhere at this time of night in Madrid, but a great place to hear funk, soul, and jazz inspired DJ sets is at Tempo Club, C. del Duque de Osuna, 8 (?915 47 75 18). Unlike most Madrid nightlife where haggling with bouncers and ponying up fat cover charges is the norm, the feel here is much more laid-back.
3am: If this is bedtime, we won't tell. If you are a soldier and want to keep going 'til sunrise, Sala Barco, C. Barco 34 (?915 21 24 47) is a good bet. This Malasaña club has been around for a number of years and earned a reputaton for some of the best DJ sets in the city. The decor isn't glamorous, but people come for the music, and it is always packed.
6am: This make almost a complete 24 hours. For your own good, go to bed.