If you’ve ever been to a toga party, 1) you’re probably kind of a douchebag, and 2) you know that they do not closely resemble either ancient Greece or modern-day Greece, and are pretty much just an excuse for horny kids to remove another layer of clothing. But upon further examination, I have discovered some astonishing similarities between traveling to Athens and your frat’s toga party, which reveal that there is nothing really that important about the astonishing similarities between traveling to Athens and your frat’s toga party. I’m here to tell you about them anyway.
Similarity 1: The alcohol may contain rat poison. I say this because ouzo, Greece’s national drink, makes you feel like you’ve been kicked in the head by *insert reference to Greek soccer player here.* Google it if you want. Similarly, getting white girl wasted at a toga party will inevitably result in spending the following morning reflecting on suicide methods to save you from both the wicked hangover and the shame of getting white girl wasted at a toga party.
Similarity 2: You will no longer understand anything after 2 am. Again, being the basic bitch you are, you have consumed many shots and by this time your friends are stopping you from trying to brush your teeth with a razor or whatever. Generally, you don’t know what the fuck is going on. In Athens, this is because the music in the Gazi area clubs is so loud that you have gone deaf, and the Greek lyrics don’t help much either. But as long as you know how to shout “Yamas” as you clink glasses, you’ll be fine.
Similarity 3: Unwelcome penises! Remember the aforementioned horny kids going commando? When you put upwards of a few dozen of these in a room together, someone’s inevitably going to catch a glimpse of a stray nutsack. Meanwhile at 5 in the morning in Athens, a weirdo will whip his dick out at you in the middle of the square. Not speaking from personal experience or anything. Also, you must beware of the famed Park Flasher in a park near Gazi, which is exactly what it sounds like.
Similarity 4: Shitfaced Americans. Because apparently this is universal, and the sloppy American drinking style has migrated from the States’ house parties and arrived at your hostel in Athens. Noteworthy moments: Drunk American girl being fireman carried by Scottish friend from the club, drunk American girl vomiting on the tram, drunk American guy being hoisted onto a table and then onto someone’s shoulders on top of the table within five minutes of arriving at beach club. God bless America.
Noteworthy differences: Athens nightlife is way more fun and a lot less basic. It’s more “No sleep ’til Monday!” and less a shrill “Wooooooo!” Your go-to drunk food will be cheap and delicious gyros or souvlaki and not a container of miscellaneous chicken parts from McDonalds. Oh, and your toga party probably won’t be located either under a centuries-old temple or on a Mediterranean beach.